Da dadada Da Da DAAAAAAAAAAA !!!!!!!

 So I just typed out my grand entrance for my first blog post. Whoever said I wasn't eccentric? Not me, because this is my first blog post here so I haven't gotten to that point yet. If what you are looking for is something "normal" or "lucid" then not only will you be disappointed, but well...chances are you're kinda boring.

 Life is a bit full of ...stuff at the moment. A month ago I started a 3 month Ango period, and as of last week am beginning my studies for the undertaking of Jukai. Of course there's life. Work, hardships with the wife. Bills..yadda yadda.

 So Ango has been nothing short of a pain in the ass. I figured it would be. But it's the difference between logically accepting something, and being in the experience of it that makes it really hit home.

 I made a post over at the Treeleaf Sangha ( sup gangstahs!!) that not only applies to Zen Practice..but really to life regardless of one's spirituality or lack of spirituality.

  "So me and Ango, on the one hand I failed in some commitments here and there. Felt kinda bad about it. Kinda dreaded comin in here and saying " Well I missed this or that" thought about why I failed on some of these things when I failed on them ( am horrrid about the excercise). Thought about the virus i've had this week. Did it stop me or did I stop myself because it made everything else difficult ?

 But I think it's been more of a learning week than the others have been. More of an eye opener. I began to reflect during the week and especially today at various points about discipline and me vs. discipline. I realized even with the support of this wonderful Sangha, it's all about pushing yourself into the difficulty. not dreading it, or trying to fit it in, or scheduling, but just about getting down and dirty with the Practice. Enjoying the strengthening moments of what has been at times seriously difficult commitments ( varies which ones on which days)

 I've come to the conclusion that me and discipline don't go so well together. Not a missed point in my life mind you. But it became a bit clearer. I am dodging the suffering when I feel it will be too much , without knowing if it is or isn't. I can ratioanlize all the reasons why it was " okay" to miss this or that. Or to sneak lil bits of meat this week. Not from a craving but more from convenience, am hungry now this is available eat that...sorry Vow..eat now or don't eat.

 But it struck me how cheating on the Vow was a loss at a chance to grow and improve. To not escape the hardships. But to jump headlong into them and call them Life Sensei. To hug them and thank them for the opportunity to grow.

 Alot of times I've been saying " I just cannn't do this. It's too much of a pain right now. Am about at wits end." but realizing it was just skipping around the difficulty. Failing to look the laziness in the eye and squash it like a bug. But if i'm giving up before I even try then how do I know if I can't do it or not. If i'm justifying not doing it and rationalizing it , all i'm really doing is convincing myself it's too difficult.

 It also made me think about having to work hard for what we really want. I really wanted to take part in this Ango when it was mentioned. It's the kind of thing that lets you know what you're made of. I was excited. I still am. I had to think about how important my Practice really is to me. It's given alot to me in this last 1/2 year or so.

 Time to give a bit more back than what I have been. Stop making the excuses. Wipe the nose, down the coffee, get my priorities straight. Look down at the swirling mass of "I don't know's" and " I can't" and say "I really have no idea what you're about." then dive in to see what exists beneath them.

 If what I want is to , as they say " Arrouse the Way seeking Mind." then this IS the way to do it. If I really want it, then I just gotta do the work.

 The only real obstacle is my own mentally concocted BS."


I think this is a concept we've all heard a gazillion times in life. But in taking a deeper look at ourselves and seeing this pattern that we never acknowledged on a deeper level. It's a bit of an eye opener. We can rationalize why we "can't" do something all day. Make it sound valid or "human". But at the end of the day , you get what you put into it. If you don't put forth the effort, and you end up with nothing in return don't cry about it.

_/\_