Apologies to my Teachers

Just wanted t say sorry to Grief , Sorrow, Sadness. I've been avoiding you three all week. That was rude of me. Thanks for being here.

This week succckkssss

First last Friday's wonderful event of telling my wife I want a divorce. Then yesterday's grand event of finding out a former manager of mine hung himself in his closet.

I'm about to sink into a nasty fuck hole of Oblivion I believe.

The whiskey and beer this week have been nice and plentiful. But a bad idea in the long run only pushing aside the inevitable falling into of a fuck hole of Oblivion..

Today's exclamation is Fuck Hole of Oblivion. And while I don't know what i mean by fuck Hole, i think it sounds catchy and is not related to vagina.

.........

What I Want in Life and in the Way

 Sparked by a post over at the Zendo, I realized during sitting my mind was a bit full. Clouds..no clouds..clouds..no clouds. Such is Practice.

 But during the clouds I came into some insights about myself.

 I realized , all I really want is to not suffer or to see others suffer.Sometimes it makes me an ass. But then I am choosing to go against exactly what I don't want without realizing it until later.

 In my life experiences I've realized I've been drawn to Zen practice for exactly that reason. It not only offers the promise of ending our suffering with a vow to try to end all suffering. It comes through on that promise. So I stick with it.

 Maybe it doesn't all happen on my own timetable. But that's my fault for making a timetable about such things.

 Additionally I am in harmony and the slightest bit of understanding ( or so I think anyways) with it's concepts of Truth. In my own experiences I can see how what the Way teaches is Truth.

 I can't say about gods or not gods. But it's rather irrelevant. In developing the values I hold true I am doing justice to all of them. Well all of them I would care to do justice too.

 As I love myself , I foster greater love for everything else which is also me.

 But at the same time, I think I want it all to be easy. So I allow myself to suffer with the hopes of it coinciding with my wishful thinking.  But it's not so I just have to accept that. I also have to accept that the vast majority of concepts I hold dear are completely unimportant to a great many others I see day to day.

 If I'm so big on " doing me" then I should relax more to let others " do them". After all, it's only an obstacle to what I want, or at least momentarrily think I want. And if one stops to think about it, it's really quite silly.

 Another shedding of expectations. *opens his head and purs it all out*.

Yayyy fingerpainting!!! * splash spalsh spalsh smear*

Dave _/\_

It's Zafu, It's Zafu! What A Wonderful Toy!!

 My zafu ,that I ordered Friday, came in today. What a great treat I tell ya! I can definitely tell a difference from sitting on the 3 folded up blankets that I still couldn't get to do what I wanted them to do.

 Much more balanced sitting than the chair I've been stuck in since the blankies were too low. And I kept hurting my right leg ( which never actually stopped hurting just has gotten better).

 I was much more alert while sitting in my almost but not quite burmese posture.

 So i'd like to send a shot out too my new best inanimate friend.

 I hope that didn't hurt my computer's feelings.

 Don't worry PC, we're still gangstahs fo' life. I'm just well..ya know..thinking it's time I see other inanimate objects. But we'll still hang out.

  _/\_

The Joys of Employment

 So today was another miserable Sunday serving an almost endless stream of hungry ,impatient people. Yayyy!! Restaurants.

 But it had some cool points and verrryy uncool points.

 Got finished early with the prepwork. Always nice to get a full break when possible. Used some of that time to help out another employee and scrubbed the floors for them, then went on break. Had a nice vegetarian meal in keeping with the Ango vows.

 When I was about to explode with an attack of the "crankies" my boss took over and let me go help the busser a little since he was behind. then later , even after i was calm he let me just go run some orders for a few. Very nice of him.

 Then the greatest event of all day ( trust me there is sarcasm there). One of the young ladies I work with had some ass smash her driver side window and steal her purse ( which was under some stuff). Apparently they tried to go in the passenger side first and managed to knock her mirror housing off. Shame is , we probably fed that asshole.

 Whole window was busted. Middle of lunch on a Sunday morning/afternoon, and noone saw nothing?

 In a random act of kindness I gave the young lady $40 to help recover some of her loss. I figure, why not help someone out of a jam like that? It's just money and I had some extra cash from getting my vacation pay.

 Asked my boss if he could run my bank card for the amount and I could just get cash. So he said sure and then asked why I needed it.

 I told him who it was for and he was like " Why?"

 So I looked at him with this confused look as the idea didn't even register with him.And just said  " Uhhhh, because her window was just smashed in and someone stole her purse?" Then the point seemed to sink in.

 On the plus side, while it was discovered that the person used her bank card for a $74 purchase ( they move fast nowadays) chances are they are at least on camera somewhere when they made a purchase that big.

 So here's to hopin' .

 _/\_

Insights into the Workplace

 I was reflecting last night and today on why it is I let certain co-workers piss me off. I get mad as hell regularly. People don't wanna do what they are supposed to do. I don't always want to do it either. And, no, i'm not perfect. But I do try to complete my job tasks as they are suppposed to be done and in a timely fashion.

 Others just seem to do what they wanna do.

 In thinking about this near daily occurrence, I realized a few things about myself.

 I think I expect them to do it, because that is how people are " supposed" to function at a job, or they are
 "supposed" to not have one. But I realized that it is my expectation that is upsetting me. obviously they aren't doing it now, and I doubt they will start.

 In trying to analyze exactly why it pisses me off, I came to the conclusion that it's not that they fail their responsibilities.It's that they are being fake and think we're all dumb as hell. One or two in particular always act like they always put forth a dilligent effort. When folks complain about people not working, there they are acting like the conversation isn't about them. Act all buddy buddy then ditch out first chance, like we don't know they ditched out and we're stuck with their crap.

But I realized I was just making up conditions and offense. I was getting pissed off for everyone, not just me.
In the end it's just not worth the stress. And there is no Individual Self to take offense. If they think I am dumb or buying their shit, then the joke is really on them. They could even read this blog and would probably say, " Yeah, I hate those types of folks." It's really kind of funny in a way.

 I don't neeed to tell them they are lazy , if they don't know that is their problem. I'm damn sure not paid for the hassle. Management knows and does nothing. So why should I? If the store fails, then oh well off to the next place. I can only do my part and set aside my own selfishness to not get cranky when manager's ask me to do someone else's work.

 But the fact that there is no "me"..there is no "them" is really coming to the forefront. They can't offend me , they can only fling words which I then choose to take personally or not based on the same silly concept of a "me" that is mostly mental construct with no bearing on who we really are in a deeper sense.

Another case of " the only resistance is that which i create in my own mind".

And now I go sit.

_/\_

Tonight, I am the Tenzo.

So I rarely cook at home for the wife and I. She enjoys cooking and only cooks a few times a week. so tonight I asked if it was okay if I cooked. Was just gonna throw in the Wal-Mart pizza we had in the freezer.

I have worked restaurants for about 16 years now. But due to my almost always joking demeanor ( rare is it I say something more serious and I often make jokes about my competency level) my wife is a lil hesitant to let me use things like ovens and knives. A bit worried about my competency level. A shame as long as we've been together that she takes it a bit too serious sometimes.

As I started to the kitchen, it hit me to give thanks. Inspired by the recent readings of Tenzo Kyokun...Dogen Zenji's instructions for the cooks, I found myself thanking the Kitchen God. Then the various tools of the trade such as the cutting board and the knife.

Walking in gratitude toward the fridge ( I now thank the fridge, i forgot..probably the only thing) I noticed it was just a cheese pizza and wondered what I could do to make it a bit more enjoyable, not to mention some veggies since we are both sick was not a bad idea.

At first I didn't really see anything. then I remembered the Tenzo is grateful for what he has, not what he doesn't. Work with what you have.

I retrieved a jalapeno, carrots, brocolli and corn. and a little bit of leftover shredded mixed cheese.

I then pulled out some cumin, black pepper, garlic powder and crushed red pepper.

I gave thanks for each item individually as I retrieved them from the fridge and cabinet. Remembered to be grateful to their sources as well.

Gave thanks again as I used each item, and as I prepared and returned them to their proper locations.

Gave thanks to the microwave as it defrosted the corn and broccoli.

Gave thanks for the second time to the oven as I inserted the prepared pizza.

Worried a little about how it would taste, then dismissed it as I should be grateful for having the food.

Sat zazen while I waited for it to cook. got up just in time to have the almost perfect pizza. Put it backin and sat another 3-4 minutes.

Pulled it out and it looked perfect.

I bowed to it.

Thanked the oven again.

then proceeded to face the front door where my wife would enter. Again inspired by the Tenzo Kyokun. and began to give a total of about 9 prostrations in gratitude to the monk I was feeding ( wife who is not buddhist but has her own Way), Buddha, Dharma, Sangha, Kitchen God, the farmers for the veggies, the Wal-Mart workers and factory workers, Treeleaf Sangha for guiding me to where I had such appreciation for all things involved, and then the final prostration for any being involved I may not have thought to thank.

My wife better love this pizza. That's all I'm sayin.If not fuck her, this is some tasty shit.

Dave _/\_

America's Dumbest Criminal-My Take

So last week or so, my wife notices she has charges to her account ( we've always had them seperate, just more convenient that way) that she never made.

Contacts the bank gets some of it straightened out.Some of it had to wait to clear before it could be disputed or whateva. Was thankfully only about 4 charges, and the two largest were rectified immediately. Cancelled the card even though she never lost it, etc.

Still have no idea how the person got her info.

This morning we get a package for one of the orders. A USC T-shirt. I looked at the package, it was our address. But a different name. The idea hit me, "Hey, maybe this is the dude that is trying to steal wifeypoo's money." sure enough the amount on the receipt is the same as one of the charges that didn't get taken care of yet.

So now we have a name, phone number and e-mail address. Police report is filed.

Kinda wanna make a "DUNCE" cap for the guy and have the cops stick it on his head and take a picture for us. He could even keep the hat so the other inmates know he is really stupid.

Whose cream corn is it now, motherfucker?

Da dadada Da Da DAAAAAAAAAAA !!!!!!!

 So I just typed out my grand entrance for my first blog post. Whoever said I wasn't eccentric? Not me, because this is my first blog post here so I haven't gotten to that point yet. If what you are looking for is something "normal" or "lucid" then not only will you be disappointed, but well...chances are you're kinda boring.

 Life is a bit full of ...stuff at the moment. A month ago I started a 3 month Ango period, and as of last week am beginning my studies for the undertaking of Jukai. Of course there's life. Work, hardships with the wife. Bills..yadda yadda.

 So Ango has been nothing short of a pain in the ass. I figured it would be. But it's the difference between logically accepting something, and being in the experience of it that makes it really hit home.

 I made a post over at the Treeleaf Sangha ( sup gangstahs!!) that not only applies to Zen Practice..but really to life regardless of one's spirituality or lack of spirituality.

  "So me and Ango, on the one hand I failed in some commitments here and there. Felt kinda bad about it. Kinda dreaded comin in here and saying " Well I missed this or that" thought about why I failed on some of these things when I failed on them ( am horrrid about the excercise). Thought about the virus i've had this week. Did it stop me or did I stop myself because it made everything else difficult ?

 But I think it's been more of a learning week than the others have been. More of an eye opener. I began to reflect during the week and especially today at various points about discipline and me vs. discipline. I realized even with the support of this wonderful Sangha, it's all about pushing yourself into the difficulty. not dreading it, or trying to fit it in, or scheduling, but just about getting down and dirty with the Practice. Enjoying the strengthening moments of what has been at times seriously difficult commitments ( varies which ones on which days)

 I've come to the conclusion that me and discipline don't go so well together. Not a missed point in my life mind you. But it became a bit clearer. I am dodging the suffering when I feel it will be too much , without knowing if it is or isn't. I can ratioanlize all the reasons why it was " okay" to miss this or that. Or to sneak lil bits of meat this week. Not from a craving but more from convenience, am hungry now this is available eat that...sorry Vow..eat now or don't eat.

 But it struck me how cheating on the Vow was a loss at a chance to grow and improve. To not escape the hardships. But to jump headlong into them and call them Life Sensei. To hug them and thank them for the opportunity to grow.

 Alot of times I've been saying " I just cannn't do this. It's too much of a pain right now. Am about at wits end." but realizing it was just skipping around the difficulty. Failing to look the laziness in the eye and squash it like a bug. But if i'm giving up before I even try then how do I know if I can't do it or not. If i'm justifying not doing it and rationalizing it , all i'm really doing is convincing myself it's too difficult.

 It also made me think about having to work hard for what we really want. I really wanted to take part in this Ango when it was mentioned. It's the kind of thing that lets you know what you're made of. I was excited. I still am. I had to think about how important my Practice really is to me. It's given alot to me in this last 1/2 year or so.

 Time to give a bit more back than what I have been. Stop making the excuses. Wipe the nose, down the coffee, get my priorities straight. Look down at the swirling mass of "I don't know's" and " I can't" and say "I really have no idea what you're about." then dive in to see what exists beneath them.

 If what I want is to , as they say " Arrouse the Way seeking Mind." then this IS the way to do it. If I really want it, then I just gotta do the work.

 The only real obstacle is my own mentally concocted BS."


I think this is a concept we've all heard a gazillion times in life. But in taking a deeper look at ourselves and seeing this pattern that we never acknowledged on a deeper level. It's a bit of an eye opener. We can rationalize why we "can't" do something all day. Make it sound valid or "human". But at the end of the day , you get what you put into it. If you don't put forth the effort, and you end up with nothing in return don't cry about it.

_/\_